Why I’m Writ…ing

“What if someone thinks I’m stupid?”

The amount of times that thought crossed my mind or those words came out of my mouth as a young child and a youth is countless.

Try out for a sport?
“What if someone thinks I’m stupid?”

Go to that social event and try to make friends?
“What if someone thinks I’m stupid?”

Call and order a pizza?
“What if they think I’m stupid?”

Go inside the grocery store alone?
“What if someone thinks I’m stupid?”

I wish I was making this up. The crippling anxiety and fear of man that I’ve lived under, for much of my adolescent and young adult life, seems so illogical when I say it out loud. Yet the crushing weight and control it has held over me is indescribable. Even some of it I’d be embarrassed to share. And for those who know me well, you know that’s saying something, considering I’m usually living life like a very open book.

I’ve missed out on friendships, passed on great opportunities and in thinking too much of myself assumed the worst of others. I’ve lived more often than not looking to please or at the very minimum not be a bother to others. I’ve said “sorry” a lot – simply for just existing. It’s a terrible habit to stop.

More than all of that though, I’ve forsaken so many chances I may have had to honor the Lord! I’ve not paid attention to his proddings, taken faith steps for his glory or trusted in who He says I am because of how I was created by Him; or how I’ve been redeemed by Him. I would absolutely say I’ve lived a really great life. Still, I can only imagine how much sweeter it could’ve been if I’d focused all that energy on the only One who actually matters.

But, God.

The Lord has been incredibly gracious and loving to grow me beyond what I could’ve ever comprehended was possible. In my wildest 18 year old dreams, I could have never imagined that 20 years later I could possess the secure identity in Christ that I do now. His growth of me has felt limitless and I am admittedly undeserving.

You could just feel the “but” coming, couldn’t you? You see I’ve grown – so.very.much. – but I still have so very far to go. The insecurity regularly creeps back up in new and crafty ways that I wouldn’t have seen. Without even noticing it, there’s always one more area of my life where I’m enslaved to what mere humans think of me. I regularly neglect the asking of God to guide and direct my every step. The rhythm and rut of this sin feels endless.

Will I ever truly live free?

Our church has been digging deep into the book of Romans on Sunday mornings. I’m talking over a year of studying verse by verse. A number of weeks ago, as we studied Romans 12, my pastor, Daniel, perfectly balanced his genuine encouragement and intentional challenge towards us to use the gifts of grace the Lord has given. I wish I could share here a picture of the notes scribbled in my Bible around verses 3-8. It’s a lot. But there is absolutely no way you could read my chicken scratch. Thankfully, I can, and so instead I’ll share with you what the Lord used to most challenge me. It feels helpful for us to first have a chance to review this passage.

12 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

“Don’t hype yourself up and don’t hide your gifts. USE THEM!” Daniel exhorted us from the pulpit that Sunday. We did nothing to earn or deserve these gifts but we have them. And it’s for a purpose. While not an exact quote, I felt an especially strong tug as he prodded that we’d have to be a fool and it would for sure be a waste for us to have the ability to give more and just choose not to. Even typing that, my mind sees the memory like I’m again sitting in the sanctuary. My heart is stirred and beating more quickly as it did that Sunday morning.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved both spoken and written words. Even before I’d really found my voice, I thoroughly enjoyed getting lost in a book. For a brief few years, I once kept a blog. I’d choose to read an article over listening to a podcast any day, I’ve always preferred short answer questions to multiple choice quizzes and I quite literally need to talk in order to think. If you’ve met me, or even seen my social media, you know this to be true. Writing feels like an “out loud” way for me to organize my thoughts and make some sense of the world around me.

In the last few years I’ve felt an ache and true longing to write again and to write more and more. My mind is stirred about so many things and I’ve longed for an avenue to better dialogue and process my thoughts. My heart has prompted me to use my voice and share truth while living unsure about a space to do that. The notes application on my phone holds an extensive list of topics for “someday” and the stack of paper napkins, outlining a future book, is stashed in my bedroom waiting for me to pick them back up. Honestly, I should probably consider a better storage solution for those. But…..

“What if someone thinks I’m stupid?”

Here comes that thinking about myself too much again. It’s Saturday night and I’m finally working on what I’ve put off for so long. Just under the surface, though, my insecurities are about to bubble over. Who am I to write? Who even cares what I think? With no actual “training” and an obvious lack of knowledge for grammar, I’m tempted to just shut my laptop right now. But I know it won’t get any easier to spend countless more months and years with the same thought repeating in my head – “I just want to write.” And I certainly wouldn’t be listening to the Lord.

A great friend once told me that she feels like I come alive when I write. I felt so known and understood at that moment. Others have shared a similar sentiment. I could wait for more encouragement like that. I am confident the world around me will only continue to offer more empty promises of hope and healing. Maybe I could choose to press pause until I could add infinitely more talking points to my phone. But it would never be enough. Not if I choose to forsake listening to the Lord. And I’ve resisted the use of this gift and a prodding from Him for far too long because I’ve feared man more than Him.

And so, this, my friends, is why I’m writing – as a humble offering of my giftings to be used by Him. What if one thing I write, one struggle I share or one verse I reflect back on he uses to make himself more known to just one person? That would be enough. It could even be, just maybe, that the person God wants to grow is me.

I’m so thankful for the friends and family who have encouraged me to this point. I’m expectant and hopeful for what the Lord will do through this endeavor. What I long for others to know most is that I love the Lord and my greatest desires are to know Him more and to make Him known! I want to resist and refuse to miss out on anything else because I’m living to please others instead of my King. So, I’ll write and share because it helps me grow. And if the Lord uses it to help you, too, all praise be to Him alone!

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